Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The Latest Buzz by John Bayer

The Polar Bear Periodical feature's a guest blogger this week, John Bayer. The topic of delight this week is a little phenomenon called Reality Television. John Bayer is the creative genius behind the lifestyle/advice blog: John Tells You How to Live ( John is an auteur, a raconteur, and a provocateur. When he isn't writing and providing life coaching services to a desperate and needy populace, John collects porcelain kittens and teaches conversational Esperanto. John lives in Southern California. About this opportunity, John says, “I am a huge fan and avid reader of [insert blog]. I am honored that my good friend [insert name] has given me this chance to do his/her job for him/her by writing a guest post.”

The Latest Buzz

The ancient Greeks believed that the titan god Prometheus gave mankind the gift of fire. West African mythology tells us that the prankster Anansi, son of the sky god taught humans the techniques of agriculture. According to Genesis, God gave the first man dominion over all of the other animals. In our time, a new breed of all powerful being has come into existence – the television executive. And these executives – the gods of television – have given us the greatest gift of all: Reality Shows.

God may have given us dominion over the animals; but the television gods have given us the ability to become animals ourselves. Between the cat fights on The Bachelor, the weasels on The Jersey Shore and the jackasses on, well, Jackass; the screen has become a regular Wild Kingdom of lewdness and debauchery. And we, the audience are no better – swarming around our television sets feasting on a putrid and dying medium like so many flies around an antelope carcass.

Of course, as you devolve from human into an insect; it is never enough to simply be one of the flies. You are no mere sycophant. You are born for greatness. You must become Lord of the Flies. You are destined for Reality Show fame. And here are my tips for getting there:

Love the sound of your own voice. The free exchange of ideas between people who respect each other's opinions is for PBS; or worse, the (non-MTV) real world. You should ever and always be the only person talking. If someone else is speaking, interrupt them.

Be easily outraged. Take offense at everything everyone says about you. If someone compliments you, learn to misinterpret it as a slight. Soon people will learn not to speak to or about you at all. Take offense at this.

Yell. A lot.

Have no knowledge of American history, world literature or current events. Facts are not your friends. Television producers and studio executives are looking to fill their reality shows with personalities who are dumber than they are. This is no small feat. If you are too intelligent, consider undergoing an invasive procedure to correct the problem – such as electroshock therapy or a Celebrity Apprentice marathon.

Have an off-putting personality. Barring that, be married to someone with an off-putting personality.

Have no discernible talent. Barring that, know how to make cakes.

Avoid competition shows. The word “competition” carries the implication of ability or talent. I reiterate, talent is to be avoided. Competition shows stress the contest over the characters. This is not
for you. You don't want to be booted off on episode two because your chicken was undercooked and sent three people to the hospital. Remember, the Kardashians didn't build an empire on talent.

The only exception to the “no competition shows” rule is: Become a judge on a competition show. They're loud. They're rude. They're easily outraged. They set themselves above everyone else in the universe. They criticize the smallest weaknesses in others while displaying no discernible talent of their own. This is a perfect storm, or what they like to call in the biz - “pulling a Gordon Ramsey.”

Though not entirely necessary, it helps to have a stupid nickname. Like “Snoodle” or “The Happenstance.”

Make enemies wherever you go. Stab your friends in the back. Stab your family in the back. Stab perfect strangers in the back. If someone refuses to turn around, stab them in the front. Friends are for humans, not insect kings.

The road to reality show fame can be an arduous one requiring perseverance and tenacity. If you didn't completely understand what the previous sentence meant, then you are well on your way to becoming a Reality Show Superstar. Though the competition to get onto a reality show is fierce, the opportunities are almost limitless. Here are just a few of the new reality shows currently casting:

The Real Housewives of Fire Island
Kim and Kourtney Versus Mothra
America's Next Top Accountant
The Los Angeles Free Clinic Presents The Deadliest Catch
So You Think You Can Menstruate?
The Jersey Shore Goes to Afghanistan
Freebasing with the Stars
Are You Hotter Than a 5th Grader?

So there you go. I can give you the tools, but it's your job to implement them. So, get out there and make it happen. And, hurry! The rest of us are getting hungry.


  1. OMG, this guy is so funny!

  2. Just watched Ramsey yell at some poor cook for about thirty minutes worth of air time. I think the rest of the show was commercials and recap. Do we want to be these people, or is it the grotesque desire to witness carnage and failure before going on with our own meager lives?
    Good stuff, John. Thanks for the laughs.