Wednesday, February 22, 2012

iPhone vs. Android

 Moderated by BlackBerry

BlackBerry: Good evening from the Heart of Silicon Valley - John Q. Public's sweaty right front pocket - I'm BlackBerry. As we speak thousands of people are tumbling around a cell phone store like tennis shoes in a dryer. Which Smartphone should they buy?
To my right is the elaborate but irritable Google based Android phone.
In the middle is the sleek but smug Apple based iPhone
And to my left is the whimsical but incorrigible Microsoft based Windows phone.
There are only two ground rules: You must activate airplane mode and turn off autocorrect. We wouldn't want "portable" to come out "prostate" or vice versa.
Let's begin. Is everyone ready?

Android: Affirmative.

iPhone: Yes, Sir.

Windows: Yertle, the Tertle.

BlackBerry: What?

Windows: I mean, yes.

BlackBerry: Mr. iPhone, would you like to respond to accusations from Mike Daisey concerning inhumane conditions for employees at your production facilities in China.

iPhone: No, but I will. (pause for applause) Before my creator recently found the cure for life and died, he ruled the technological world with black turtle necks and keynote addresses. Foxconn was a stepping stone in that direction. We can't help it if the Chinese work ethic is so amazing that they literally work themselves to death on an assembly line. That's one monstrous work ethic, and we honor them for that here in Cupertino, California. That's why we've helped commission the building of The Great Lego Wall of China in honor of the extraordinary people that make up that beautiful country.
(Hysterical applause and a standing ovation ensues for two whole hours)

BlackBerry: Mr. Android, Why are you so complicated? Can't you be simple like the iPhone and have just one button?

Android: Just one button? Just one button? Are you kidding me? If things progress at this rate, by 2020 the entire Apple Home Computer will basically be a clean white bowling ball. No keyboard, no screen, no mouse, but it will do everything in the world by reading your mind. How boring is that?
I'm not complicated, I'm practical. What kid goes through life saying, "I wish I only had one button to push?" We love buttons. Who doesn't walk into an elevator and enjoy pushing that button. We'd get crack-a-lackin' on that thing and light it up like a Christmas tree if our Mamma's would let us. I'm not complicated, I just want to have fun. "Android's mantra: For the multi-button pusher in all of us."
All the Pros:
1. The widgets...Shooey, those widgets are customizable: weather, news, RSS feeds, airport cancellations, instantly. No waiting for apps to load. It's a widget, Homeboy..
2. Availability is my biggest selling point: I'm available on every major carrier contract or no contract, and offer myself on almost all premium phones. So there are a plethora of choices to help you fit your needs.
3. Affordable. I'm here to give you the affordable options the iPhone can't give.
4. Portability. My screen can be large or small. My camera has more power than the iPhone. I have built in HDMI ports that will plug directly into your TV to view HD video. Unlike the iPhone my data storage is expandable and swappable with microSD cards.
5. Faster than iPhone: I can offer you 4G data speeds which the iPhone cannot do yet.
6. And I'm Google. All the epic-ness of google in one handheld device, with Google as my backbone I put everyone to shame. Does the name Google Earth mean anything to you? Let's hear it for Google Universe! Boo yah! And not to brag, but I have the coolest OS names, like Cupcake 1.5, Gingerbread 2.3, Honeycomb 3.x, and Ice Cream Sandwich 4.x. What does Apple have? iOS 4... barf.

BlackBerry: Mr. iPhone, why should people buy you instead of one of your competitors?

iPhone: Mr. Black, I'm pretty much the coolest portable gadget ever made. I am everything perfect that is in the world. I'm a history maker and a world shaker. I'm leading the way and will always be in the lead.
All the Pros:
1. I'm gorgeous, and sleek: My goal in life is to blend technology and art on an easy to use platform. Beautiful art is expensive and saving time is going to cost money, but with me you can have both. I will make your life easier, pure and simple. 
2. Available on the best and most reliable network: Verizon.
3. I'm lightweight: 4.9 ounces (140 paperclips)
4. Compatible: I'm an ipod, a computer, a remote control, a GPS, a gaming device, a camera, a piece of art, an electric razor, mouse trap, a taser, deodorant, hand grenade, etc.
5. Fun: You can get every game ever made on me and talk to your friends like you were in Back to the Future.
6. Reliable: Won't crash, hardly breaks, and won't give you brain cancer  
I'm the Superman of phones. Good luck telling Superman he isn't as awesome as Batman or Aqua-man. Being rescued by those guys is like being eaten by a loser sandwich, and by loser, I mean really cool guys who are unique. 

BlackBerry: Mr. Windows, you were late to get on the band wagon with the smartphone. How can you reassure the public that you won't fall into the trap of having an inferior operating system again something like the debacle of Windows Vista?

Windows: Uh... Okay. Windows Vista to me is just like a story I know called "The Puppy Who Lost His Way." The world was changing, and the puppy was getting... bigger...
(...long story...)
...So, you see, the puppy was like Vista. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy - "society" - knew where to find 'em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But Vista, my friends, that was a Revolution.
Silicon Valley Highschool Football Rules!
(Uproarious applause echos through the chamber like a burp through Carlsbad Caverns. It goes on for several minutes.)

BlackBerry: Mr. Windows, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
(Whispers and snickers ripple through the crowd like gossip through a hair salon)

BlackBerry: Okay, umm...Contenders, that ends our debate. Thank you so very much. And thanks to all of you our readers.

If this satisfies your curiosity then I'm glad I could help.
If you are interested in more extensive research here are some more links:
This is a impressive comparison of each aspect of both phones
Here's a very thorough evaluation of someone who switched from Android to iPhone
Click this if you are wondering what network to go with for your iPhone
If you are seriously interested in a Windows Phone, here you go

Monday, February 13, 2012

A Geek's Valentine

If you are a geek and have a date on this Valentine's Day, you might think your woman loves you because of the sweet nothings you whisper in Elvish to her as you hold her hand walking through the Star Trek convention. It is not. Nor is it the sexy Batman underwear you've been wearing for decades over that flabby, geek physique. Could it be the annuls of facts about conceivable time travel that make her swoon? Sorry, but no. That stuff turns you on, but her feminine receptors respond to something a bit different.
"So what is it that makes my woman love me?" you may be asking your highly evolved self. It's your total ignorance to your own hotness that makes her loins shudder with desire.
Yes it's true. She thinks your hot. By "hotness" I mean a certain charisma, confidence, or sensitivity that supersedes geekiness. Here are some situations that might exemplify this phenomenon of hotness: 1) You are good with children and the mentally retarded. 2) You get choked up watching a movie, TV show or a cotton commercial. 3) You own a dog or cat or sea monkey, it doesn't matter, just something that proves something else can depend on you. 4) You know or can write a line of poetry.
However, on a more practical note there are certain superficial situations that can diminish this "hotness" factor: 1) Not using dandruff shampoo before donning your black shirt for the rave. 2) Breath that smells like a turd. You must always budget for Doublemint, and don't forget to floss. 3) Outer ear hair. 4) Bragging about your success hacking into the Hasbro mainframe or your alphabetized catalog of Lord of the Rings paraphernalia.
If she considers your geekiness cute, you are in and you are loved. Congratulations!
But, if you are sitting in your lonely apartment surrounded by action figures encased in their original packaging, reading this blog and wondering why you could not get a date this past Valentine's Day, consider investing in some charisma, confidence, and sensitivity. Stop giving women subscriptions to 2600 or texting l337 speak to their cell phones. Go buy a dog, a book of poetry, and the Curious George Box Set. Then prepare for the ladies to come running.

Blog P.S.
Poem for my Valentine
Wonder and amazement take my heart on a rapid but significant journey as I take in the vision of her beauty. I'd not seen it before, not like this. My thoughts stutter at the scent of her. How'd I get so lucky? The 21st century gladiators parade in the arena and the media vultures circle overhead, and I considered my Love, gently preparing a place for my return. Pushing every hindrance aside, "Outta my way!" I want, no I need to be with her. Heroes swear allegiance to the beauty she emulates, yet she has taken an oath for me. Her hand would be rosy with the kisses of suitors if her path weren't right next to mine. Heaven has favored me in this life. She sought me, and I pursued her. The wonderful thing is that it keeps getting better like a treasure trove saving the best for last. So thank you God for my unbelievably smokin' hot wife.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Quick Read...About Motion Sensor Bathroom Lights

Okay, let's discuss motion sensor lights in the Commercial Bathroom. Sounds like a great idea, right? It's Eco-friendly, it's clean, saves money. But what about the guy in the stall that takes longer than 10 minutes to get his business done? It's lights out, and there's no turning it back on unless you get up, open the door and wave your hands wildly. But make sure you reach and wave in the right direction, or you could be standing there with your dirty bum hanging out, waving at nothing for an extended amount of time. Don't forget, your doing this in complete darkness. Such fun.
New rule: "Never spend more than 10 minutes in a bathroom stall unless you know the lights will stay on."

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Confessions of a Facebookaholic

I hope this day finds you all well. Today's topic is a sensitive one, and I thought it best to let someone who understands the subject a little better to delve into it's horrors. I secede to my new friend Larry the Talking Bird. Watch his video below.  (Transcript of the video is written out below.)

(if you have trouble viewing the video, click here)

Transcript of the Above Video:
Facebook. Facebook has taken the world by storm and right now someone somewhere is pretending not to be on it.  Hello, everyone, my name is Larry and today's blog is entitled "Confessions of a Facebookaholic" The Polar Bear has given me the task of bringing you today's blog Via Skype from my perch, high above the world. I would like to begin today's post by proposing we make an addendum to our old High School English Textbooks. A new part of speech called the proper verb. Definition: the class of words used to identify an action associated with a unique person, place thing or idea. Although mostly used as a proper noun, the word "Facebook" is also a proper verb. Example: "I'll Facebook you, after I finish building this rocket launcher." 
Well, I guess it's confession time, so here we go. I'm Larry the Bird and I'm a Facebookaholic. I stay up all night my eyes bloodshot, my bladder swollen, my tiny bird claw glued to my mouse "liking" everything that regurgitates over my glossy computer screen. I comment like there's no tomorrow. Commenting on status updates like there's no tomorrow, trying my best to get as many comments back as possible. Sometimes I can get a little crazy looking for an available computer to use. After taking down that adorable yet persistent 8-year-old girl at the public library for a chance to get on that infernal computer I realized I had a problem. After doing a little research I realized I wasn't the only one with a problem. There's others out there that spend half their afternoons spying on their ex-girlfriends, new boyfriend.
According to a study done in August of 2011 the average person spends almost 8 hours a month on Facebook, 2 hours more than a August 2010. That's 4 times the amount spent on Google. Wow! That actually may sound low to more than half of you. Remember though, these are averages. Here are some other averages in descending order: AOL - 2 hours 53 minutes/month, Yahoo 2 hours 12 minutes/month, Google - 1 hour 46 minutes/month, and Youtube - 1 hour 41 minutes/month. Think of all the diseases we could be curing or the celebrities we could be stalking... or the money we could be making...
Time is money, you know, and Facebook is stealing our time like a dairy farmer steals milk from the utters of lonely heifer. We are that lonely heifer. For years now, we've been getting owned by Facebook. Not anymore, it's time Facebook got owned by us. Apparently, Mark Zuckerberg, creator of Facebook agrees. Mr. Anti-Social, himself, has ironically, opened his social network to John Q. Public. Facebook has filed for a chance to be publicly traded on the stock market. Come April or May-ish you too can own Facebook.  All you have to do is buy one share. It's a statistical coin flip on whether you'll make some dough or not, but when the time comes the proverbial bathrobe will be open and you'll be able to judge alongside your peers whether Facebook will be worth it or not. I'm not saying its a good or a bad investment, I'm just saying you CAN invest.
Just to give you some perspective on this interesting venture, when Google went public it offered 19,605,052 shares at a price of $85 per share, with 271 million shares still under the control of Google employees. This means that at the time Google was worth 23 billion dollars. Facebook is said to be worth more than 4 times that at 100 billion dollars. Can someone say, "Dollar, Dollar Bills, ya'll, rainin' up in here! Cha-Ching!"?
So, here's the long and short of it, folks, I love Facebook like I love sunflower seeds and I am absolutely nuts about the fact that I will soon be able to own a piece of Facebook. So the next time your boss catches you updating your timeline instead of running analytics, just tell him it's okay, your working on an investment.
Larry the Bird says, "Get off this stinkin' computer and go buy yourself a piece of Facebook."

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Which finger is your iFinger?

The urban dictionary defines the iFinger as "the finger(s) you purposely keep clean when you eat something messy so you could operate your touchscreen smartphone/tablet/GPS without making the screen look like your plate." Interesting. 
At a recent visit to a respectable fast food establishment which shall remain shameless, I was eating a burger and reading an email from the digital interface of my handheld device (to sound generic enough). Something about how I was holding my tasty entree, caught my attention. Wouldn't you know it, my pinky finger was sticking straight out. Now, if you saw me you would know I'm not effeminate, nor am I an Englishman, but my pinky was just wagging out there away from that burger just as tidy and anxious as ever. I picked up a french fry and the same thing happened, except this time I think I actually heard it whisper a scream, "USE ME!" and suddenly, I become aware of the fact that it was my iFinger.
 Here's an analogy for you: my immaculate pinky finger is to my idevice, as a holster is to a gun. Or for those taking the SAT's: My Immaculate Pinky Finger :: iDevice as Holster :: Gun. As a digital outlaw I dare not go anywhere without it.  If my iFinger is dirty, I'm a Jedi without a light-saber and am perfectly useless. Get it? I don't know who was the first person to ever use this word, but they did, then someone else used it and now its in some obscure internet dictionary that nerds like me get a chuckle from once in a while.
This is just one of many such terms coined by the dawn of the new wireless age. At the risk of loosing half my readers here is a small list of more techno-jargon you may or may not have heard: Podcasting, Tweeting, War-texting, data furnace, Web 2.0, cyber bullying, privacy Zuckering, superworm, botnets, etc. Check out more by clicking here. If you can figure out how to use them in a sentence you could win a dongle full of bitcoins.
 The world is changing faster than you can blink an eye or load kilobyte, and our language is changing with it. One day our kids might ask us, "What is a CD?" or "Why are you still on Myspace, you old geezer?" And we can reply the same way our parents responded when we asked them what a gramaphone was, "Quit back talking, you little twit!"
If you want to be the kind of person that makes a chimp look smart, stop reading. But if you want a little help keeping up with an ever changing world stay tuned. 
First question: Why? Why is technology evolving so fast? Second question: Ever heard of reading silently? Geez... Anyway, Moore's law is a term that describes this rapid increase in technological advances. Remember when digital camera's used to be 4.0 megapixels? Now they are around 15.0 megapixels and the mole on Aunt Ralph's nose can be zoomed in to epic proportions. A couple years ago computers came with 80 gigabytes of storage for your iTunes library of pop rock and emo albums and now the standard is 1000 GB, and they are calling it a terabyte. Look out Hanson Brothers, get ready for a comeback tour.
The industrial revolution started the proverbial snowball rolling with steamboats, trains and radios which terrified the Amish. Everyone else succumbed to the sudden onslaught of progress and adjusted nicely, except for Mr. Yoder. Cars, refrigerators, televisions, all had an assembly line of humans putting parts together, so technology only moved as fast as the slowest guy could put a vacuum tube on the commode of an airplane's rear end. The difference is, back then we were building things by hand. Now, scientists are building computers that can build faster computers and those computers are figuring out how to build faster computers. There are even some showoff scientists who are building small computers that are being programmed to build even smaller computers called nanocomputers, and it may lead to the cure for cancer. Have you noticed that uber-bright 17-year-old girl from California on the news anywhere? Apparently for a science project she decided to create a miniscule robot for a science class that is said to be able to destroy cancer cells. "What the...?" you may be asking the cosmos. Believe it, ladies. Imagine a tiny Chuck Norris marching through your blood vessels fragging nasty doodads that make you sick.
Let's see, at 17, I invented exactly nothing...Oh yeah there was that cardboard box I cut holes into and turned into a base for my Lego masterpiece. Boom! Take that Einstein girl.  I guess the world of computers and technology isn't moving too fast for her to keep up. As for the rest of us, there are ways around this seemingly insurmountable obstacle.
So how do we keep up? How do we stay poignant in conversations with our kids or the neighborhood computer hacker? I'll tell you what I do. I watch and read science fiction. I got hooked on Star Trek, memorized entire scenes from Back to the Future, and threw Star Wars parties. Even settling down with a good H.G. Wells novel or Isaac Asimov story kept me relevant. If you do this, you'll see something in one of those imaginative stories that will make you realize you are living in the future. iPads, rechargeable batteries, electric cars, and wireless tracking monitor bracelets, all foretold through science fiction. Once you have a few science fiction stories under your belt, walk into Best Buy and see what's there. Ask a blue shirt some questions if you have too. Soak it in. Pretty soon you will start gaining confidence because you will begin understanding the language of technology. So next time you're in a burger joint and you see some poor fellow eating a french fry with an extended pinky finger ask him if that finger there is his "iFinger". And then be ready to introduce him to a new technological term. It's fun.
Polar Bear Says, "When life gives you sci-fi lemons, ask for salt and tequila and sit your butt down."

P.S. if you want to know more about the things I've mentioned that are highlighted in blue all you have to do is click on it to read more.