Baby Clothes and Their Unusual Effect on Women

I wish I had some sort of scientific equipment that could monitor the chemical impulses and brain waves that occur in women when they see baby clothes. I'm pretty sure that we have exceeded the legal limit of "cutest outfits ever" for our newborn. The women in my family will quite literally collapse with excitement if one more blue coverall pajama set with booties crosses their line of sight. While in Walmart, I have purposely thrown myself between them and a particularly heinous baby-clothing aisle in order to prevent their spontaneous combustion. This reaction to baby clothes has always puzzled me so I explored the matter quite extensively.

The following is a scenario that has occurred time and time again at households across America.

1. Some considerate person will arrive with an "adorable gift bag" or package wrapped in "the most darling wrapping paper" anyone could ever imagine. The females in the room will hum and haw, getting about as worked up as a German in a strudel factory. 

2. The pastel tissue paper is slowly and meticulously separated from the now "cutest bag ever", and all parties, the giver, the giftee, and any onlookers, experience a deep connection related to the threshold of anticipation that they are all feeling at that exact moment. It's similar to the symmetry and togetherness of a pod of dolphin's seconds before feeding on a giant school of sardines. 

3. Then a hand reaches into the bag and extracts, "the most fabulous" piece of cloth that could ever exist, unequivocally. I've examined several of the said pieces of cloth under a microscope with a black light and a whole host of chemical forensics only to find 100% cotton. No inhalants, no dust particles, maybe a tad bit of ink laid out in a clever saying about mom or dad or dirt or princesses, but nothing out of the ordinary.

4. Then the unthinkable happens. A sense of euphoria is physically palpable within the room. The atmosphere physically changes, and I feel like I'm only one fingertip away from being raptured into heaven. A tiny bib with miniature whales on it and an outfit that says, "Future Rockstar!" creates a sense of exhilaration that has no equal. Most bystanders would have thought that we had just witnessed an albino bengal tiger reciting the pledge of allegiance. Women scream at the finite cloth, and it is dubbed "the most fantastic outfit ever". Eventually things calm down, and the cloud of bliss dissipates, but it leaves a residue of intoxication that can easily be felt by any woman within 100 feet.

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So what just happened? I have a hypothesis: As a result of the anticipation and eventual visual stimulation that occurs, an inordinate amount of estrogen is released. In single doses this estrogen is unharmful, but when mixed with one or more other females releasing the same amount of estrogen, it begins to feed back on itself growing stronger and stronger as it bounces back and forth, similar to the ear piercing sound that occurs when you hold a hot microphone in front of a live speaker. But instead of an intolerable sound, this event creates a vortex of stimulation that sucks the women in and *bonks* their spirits and souls together until they reach a controlled madness. Then the estrogen runs out and their consciousness is rebooted to a more tolerable state.

I can only smile then cringe at such an event because I haven't been bestowed with the appropriate amounts of estrogen. The testosterone that flows from these glands does not allow for such levels of exultation. Congratulations women, you win the ecstasy award. Never again will I claim that I have experienced the awesomest thing ever. At the air show when 6 planes fly in tandem, I will think of your adorable baby clothes. When Planet Earth shows me a snow leopard hunting in the wild on the cliffs of the Andes Mountains, I will think of your adorable baby clothes. As I'm filled with adrenaline during a tandem sky dive at 15,000 feet, I will think of your adorable baby clothes.

You Win.



At the behest of my Inner man I have provided a few pictorial examples of said pieces of tiny clothes (WARNING: I cannot confirm or deny that these examples will produce the same amounts of bliss in the female brain as it would if they were to see them in person. What ever you do, do not witness this in groups of 3 or more women. VORTEXES OF STIMULATION COULD OCCUR.)