Monday, June 25, 2012

S.A.T. Analogies (This is to that as...)

I've always been fascinated with analogies, in particular the ones we explored during those formative years taking our S.A.T.'s.
For example:
Orange is to Fruit as Cucumber is to ________
a. Looney Tunes
b. Flapjacks
c. Nastiness
d. Vegetable

This week I've composed a few analogies based on current events and other things I've come across this past week. Enjoy!

1. Women are to Baby Clothes (See last week's blog)

as Men are to bacon.

2. Eric Holder is to "Fast and Furious"

as Vin Diesel is to "The Pacifier".

3. Fox News is to a liberal

as a fish is to "out of water".

4. Jerry Sandusky is to Penn State

as Aquaman is to The Justice League.

5. PC's are to viruses

as Greece is to rioting.

6. "The Bachelorette" is to reality

as a cardboard box is to a home

7. The Stock Market is to a good investment

as a great white shark is to a good pet.

Have a great week, y'all.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Baby Clothes and Their Unusual Effect on Women

I wish I had some sort of scientific equipment that could monitor the chemical impulses and brain waves that occur in women when they see baby clothes. I'm pretty sure that we have exceeded the legal limit of "cutest outfits ever" for our newborn. The women in my family will quite literally collapse with excitement if one more blue coverall pajama set with booties crosses their line of sight. While in Walmart, I have purposely thrown myself between them and a particularly heinous baby-clothing aisle in order to prevent their spontaneous combustion. This reaction to baby clothes has always puzzled me so I explored the matter quite extensively.

The following is a scenario that has occurred time and time again at households across America.

1. Some considerate person will arrive with an "adorable gift bag" or package wrapped in "the most darling wrapping paper" anyone could ever imagine. The females in the room will hum and haw, getting about as worked up as a German in a strudel factory. 

2. The pastel tissue paper is slowly and meticulously separated from the now "cutest bag ever", and all parties, the giver, the giftee, and any onlookers, experience a deep connection related to the threshold of anticipation that they are all feeling at that exact moment. It's similar to the symmetry and togetherness of a pod of dolphin's seconds before feeding on a giant school of sardines. 

3. Then a hand reaches into the bag and extracts, "the most fabulous" piece of cloth that could ever exist, unequivocally. I've examined several of the said pieces of cloth under a microscope with a black light and a whole host of chemical forensics only to find 100% cotton. No inhalants, no dust particles, maybe a tad bit of ink laid out in a clever saying about mom or dad or dirt or princesses, but nothing out of the ordinary.

4. Then the unthinkable happens. A sense of euphoria is physically palpable within the room. The atmosphere physically changes, and I feel like I'm only one fingertip away from being raptured into heaven. A tiny bib with miniature whales on it and an outfit that says, "Future Rockstar!" creates a sense of exhilaration that has no equal. Most bystanders would have thought that we had just witnessed an albino bengal tiger reciting the pledge of allegiance. Women scream at the finite cloth, and it is dubbed "the most fantastic outfit ever". Eventually things calm down, and the cloud of bliss dissipates, but it leaves a residue of intoxication that can easily be felt by any woman within 100 feet.


So what just happened? I have a hypothesis: As a result of the anticipation and eventual visual stimulation that occurs, an inordinate amount of estrogen is released. In single doses this estrogen is unharmful, but when mixed with one or more other females releasing the same amount of estrogen, it begins to feed back on itself growing stronger and stronger as it bounces back and forth, similar to the ear piercing sound that occurs when you hold a hot microphone in front of a live speaker. But instead of an intolerable sound, this event creates a vortex of stimulation that sucks the women in and *bonks* their spirits and souls together until they reach a controlled madness. Then the estrogen runs out and their consciousness is rebooted to a more tolerable state.

I can only smile then cringe at such an event because I haven't been bestowed with the appropriate amounts of estrogen. The testosterone that flows from these glands does not allow for such levels of exultation. Congratulations women, you win the ecstasy award. Never again will I claim that I have experienced the awesomest thing ever. At the air show when 6 planes fly in tandem, I will think of your adorable baby clothes. When Planet Earth shows me a snow leopard hunting in the wild on the cliffs of the Andes Mountains, I will think of your adorable baby clothes. As I'm filled with adrenaline during a tandem sky dive at 15,000 feet, I will think of your adorable baby clothes.

You Win.

At the behest of my Inner man I have provided a few pictorial examples of said pieces of tiny clothes (WARNING: I cannot confirm or deny that these examples will produce the same amounts of bliss in the female brain as it would if they were to see them in person. What ever you do, do not witness this in groups of 3 or more women. VORTEXES OF STIMULATION COULD OCCUR.)

Friday, June 15, 2012

Madagascar 3 Review: A Polar Bear in the Projection Booth

4 out of 5 Bear Claws

I wasn't expecting too much from the guys that brought us Madagascar and Madagascar 2, but even if I had high expectations this movie would have out done them. This movie was as funny, if not funnier than the first one, and that's saying a lot for a sequel. The original cast gave the performance of the year and the writing was spectacular. They pushed the bounds of animation in the story telling and even crossed the line a few times making impossibilities completely possible just for the fun of it. The additional characters complimented the current ones splendidly and I dare say I got a couple goose bumps at the climactic scene (probably a result of watching it on the big screen). It's definitely worth the matinee price at the theaters but the 3D isn't necessary. However, the 3D adds a nice touch in several scenes if you must.

It came one Polar Bear's toenail away from being epic. If it weren't for a colorful interjection by one of the characters that seemed a little too close to profanity, this could have received 5 bear claws, but alas.
The Polar Bear says, "Go see it."

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Hatfields and McCoys: A Study in Language

The History Channel fired up the TV sets with their show Hatfields & McCoys. According to ABC News it set a record of nearly 14 million viewers. That's unprecedented for a miniseries released on a cable channel.

While watching this ground breaking miniseries, One of the things that gave me pleasure was the peculiar and intricate diction espoused by each of the characters. Very similar to the dialogue between characters in the Charles Portis novel True Grit and the film by the same name. From what I hear tell it's pretty accurate for that time period. They show a great deal of respect for the English language enunciating everything and hardly ever using contractions.

Our language has come a long way since then with phrases like, "off da chain" and "pencil you into my Blackberry." We've lost respect for the the beauty of our language. It all reeks of laziness and sarcasm. Back then, things were different. Words were special, people took time to express there thoughts appropriately. In the words of Treebeard the famous Ent from Lord of the Rings, "You must understand, young Hobbit, it takes a long time to say anything in Old Entish. And we never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say."

As a result of this problem I see in today's language, I have come up with a solution. I have a provided a list of words and phrases I would like to see find there way back into popular use along with a counterpart word or phrase I would like to see exit popular use. (Feel free to add your own substitutions in the comments section, but try to make them family friendly.)

  • Hornswoggle should replace Tricka Skeezer
  • Blessed baby Jesus should replace Awesome
  • Half-wit should replace retarded
  • Damnation should replace Damn it
  • Recollect should replace 'member
  • Quarrelsome should replace Nagging Nancy
  • Miscreant should replace Moron
  • Paps should replace Baby Daddy
  • Consort with whores should replace Stud Muffin
  • Doing the trick should replace... well... a whole host of naughtiness.

 As you consider the development of our dialogue over the generations, I will leave you with one last thought. One of the oldest words in the English language is "fart".

(To add your own words and or replacement words just click on the comment button.)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Happy Birthday, Polar Bear Cub

On this June 6th, 2012, D-day stands for "Delivery Day". The Polar Bear had a baby. And unlike polar bears in the wild I promise not to eat him. His grandmas, however, have not made this promise, but have spoken rather flippantly about their desire to "eat him up" based on his level of cuteness. For the cub's sake, I hope his cuteness level decreases, otherwise we could have a mess on our hands. This little guy has been on our hearts and minds for a long time. You can read a little more about the heavenly heralding of this promised offspring by clicking here, but right now I would like to tell you about my day.

The alarm woke me at the godly hour of 7:00am. I gently nudged my sleeping wife next to me, and told her the time, and we both began to rouse as we tend to rouse, stretching, tooting, snorting, yawning and sneezing. I snorted, yawned and sneezed. She stretched and tooted.

The bed we slept in was 160 some odd miles away from the bed we normally sleep in, because we are in Charlottesville, VA awaiting the birth of the baby we are adopting. Inches from Jenny's side of the bed Nathan is sleeping undisturbed by our routine, which is all well and good, because he didn't go to bed last night until 11:45pm.

By 7:38am all three of us are in the elevator on our way down to a Hampton Inn catered Continental breakfast, Belgium waffles, doughnuts, Danishes, hot cereal, cold cereal, yogurt, turkey sausage, four different types of juices, and powdered eggs. mmmmm...all except the powdered eggs.

We gobbled breakfast up along with the rest of our party which consisted of Jenny's parents, Gary and Cindy, and my dear mother, Mom.

Promptly at 8:06am we hailed a shuttle to the hospital, trudged up to the eighth floor via elevator, and got settled in the waiting room just outside the pregnant lady wing of the University of Virginia Medical Center.

Jenny immediately went to go meet the birth mom to see what she could find out, and then we waited for the scheduled C-section at 9:00am.

Nathan finished waking up, I started building some contact lists and began composing the first announcement, Mom chatted, Gary got situated, Cindy drank coffee, Jenny liaised, and the birth mom started getting thirsty. Suddenly, Jenny marched into the waiting room and said that there was an emergency C-section that had to go ahead of us, but our turn shouldn't be any later than 11:00am...Then we waited for the scheduled C-section at 11:00am.

Nathan played army men, I Skyped my sister and her kids, Mom drank coffee, Gary slept, Cindy chatted, Jenny liaised, and the birth mom started getting hungry.

11:00am rolled around and the word was that there were more complications than they expected with this emergency C-section, so it wasn't going to be until about 1:00pm so we should get lunch. So we got lunch and Nathan ate hotdogs in the cafeteria with his grandmothers, I ate a piece of amazing pepperoni pizza in the waiting room, Gary ate a sandwich of some sort while changing the world one email at a time on his laptop, Mom ate a salad, Cindy ate a salad, Jenny ate a nutragrain bar, and the birth mom ate nothing... then we waited for our scheduled C-section at 1-ish.

Nathan watched the Chipmunks movie, I sent some emails and some text messages, Mom explored the eighth floor, Gary surfed the Internet, Cindy looked for divine encounters, and Jenny liaised.

At 2:00 pm. There was a report of numbness on the birth mother's left side, so another emergency C-section passed us on the inside of turn four with only one lap to go. The doctors did a neurological exam which came back negative, and the numbness receded. We were a go after this last we waited for our scheduled C-section at 4:30pm. Nathan drank coffee, I played with Legos, Mom played army men, Gary chatted, Cindy began studying liaising, Jenny became the Jedi Master liaison, and the birth mom starved.

At 4:09pm I got a text, or rather 3 texts from Jenny, "It is time. I will keep u posyed." Next text, "postef" and then finally "posted".

Nathan exploded, I calmed him down, Mom gathered, Gary sent some announcements, Cindy liaised, Jenny held the earth together, and the birth mom forgot she was starving.

At 4:45pm, Nathan, I, Mom, Cindy, and Gary are all standing outside a giant door waiting for some news from someone while Jenny and the birth mom are doing their thing.

At 5:16pm the door opens, and a nurse comes out, "He's been born..." And I didn't hear the rest. Jaws drop, tears emerge, heads spin, smiles stretch, legs jump, toes curl, phones come out, and texts fly.

At 5:27pm another nurse comes out wheeling a cart with a newborn baby inside...

Jenny came out a few minutes later and told us all the gruesome details. Then we all waited for a chance to hold him...

That was pretty much how my day went today.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Polar Bear Cub has arrived!

John Rhea Hornby was born this evening at 5:05pm. He is a healthy 9lb 2oz hunk of cuteness. Stay tuned for a late night post tonight, so I can fill you in on all the details.
Here's a quick video for your viewing pleasure.