Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Confessions of a Facebookaholic

I hope this day finds you all well. Today's topic is a sensitive one, and I thought it best to let someone who understands the subject a little better to delve into it's horrors. I secede to my new friend Larry the Talking Bird. Watch his video below.  (Transcript of the video is written out below.)

(if you have trouble viewing the video, click here)

Transcript of the Above Video:
Facebook. Facebook has taken the world by storm and right now someone somewhere is pretending not to be on it.  Hello, everyone, my name is Larry and today's blog is entitled "Confessions of a Facebookaholic" The Polar Bear has given me the task of bringing you today's blog Via Skype from my perch, high above the world. I would like to begin today's post by proposing we make an addendum to our old High School English Textbooks. A new part of speech called the proper verb. Definition: the class of words used to identify an action associated with a unique person, place thing or idea. Although mostly used as a proper noun, the word "Facebook" is also a proper verb. Example: "I'll Facebook you, after I finish building this rocket launcher." 
Well, I guess it's confession time, so here we go. I'm Larry the Bird and I'm a Facebookaholic. I stay up all night my eyes bloodshot, my bladder swollen, my tiny bird claw glued to my mouse "liking" everything that regurgitates over my glossy computer screen. I comment like there's no tomorrow. Commenting on status updates like there's no tomorrow, trying my best to get as many comments back as possible. Sometimes I can get a little crazy looking for an available computer to use. After taking down that adorable yet persistent 8-year-old girl at the public library for a chance to get on that infernal computer I realized I had a problem. After doing a little research I realized I wasn't the only one with a problem. There's others out there that spend half their afternoons spying on their ex-girlfriends, new boyfriend.
According to a study done in August of 2011 the average person spends almost 8 hours a month on Facebook, 2 hours more than a August 2010. That's 4 times the amount spent on Google. Wow! That actually may sound low to more than half of you. Remember though, these are averages. Here are some other averages in descending order: AOL - 2 hours 53 minutes/month, Yahoo 2 hours 12 minutes/month, Google - 1 hour 46 minutes/month, and Youtube - 1 hour 41 minutes/month. Think of all the diseases we could be curing or the celebrities we could be stalking... or the money we could be making...
Time is money, you know, and Facebook is stealing our time like a dairy farmer steals milk from the utters of lonely heifer. We are that lonely heifer. For years now, we've been getting owned by Facebook. Not anymore, it's time Facebook got owned by us. Apparently, Mark Zuckerberg, creator of Facebook agrees. Mr. Anti-Social, himself, has ironically, opened his social network to John Q. Public. Facebook has filed for a chance to be publicly traded on the stock market. Come April or May-ish you too can own Facebook.  All you have to do is buy one share. It's a statistical coin flip on whether you'll make some dough or not, but when the time comes the proverbial bathrobe will be open and you'll be able to judge alongside your peers whether Facebook will be worth it or not. I'm not saying its a good or a bad investment, I'm just saying you CAN invest.
Just to give you some perspective on this interesting venture, when Google went public it offered 19,605,052 shares at a price of $85 per share, with 271 million shares still under the control of Google employees. This means that at the time Google was worth 23 billion dollars. Facebook is said to be worth more than 4 times that at 100 billion dollars. Can someone say, "Dollar, Dollar Bills, ya'll, rainin' up in here! Cha-Ching!"?
So, here's the long and short of it, folks, I love Facebook like I love sunflower seeds and I am absolutely nuts about the fact that I will soon be able to own a piece of Facebook. So the next time your boss catches you updating your timeline instead of running analytics, just tell him it's okay, your working on an investment.
Larry the Bird says, "Get off this stinkin' computer and go buy yourself a piece of Facebook."

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