Wednesday, February 22, 2012

iPhone vs. Android

 Moderated by BlackBerry

BlackBerry: Good evening from the Heart of Silicon Valley - John Q. Public's sweaty right front pocket - I'm BlackBerry. As we speak thousands of people are tumbling around a cell phone store like tennis shoes in a dryer. Which Smartphone should they buy?
To my right is the elaborate but irritable Google based Android phone.
In the middle is the sleek but smug Apple based iPhone
And to my left is the whimsical but incorrigible Microsoft based Windows phone.
There are only two ground rules: You must activate airplane mode and turn off autocorrect. We wouldn't want "portable" to come out "prostate" or vice versa.
Let's begin. Is everyone ready?

Android: Affirmative.

iPhone: Yes, Sir.

Windows: Yertle, the Tertle.

BlackBerry: What?

Windows: I mean, yes.

BlackBerry: Mr. iPhone, would you like to respond to accusations from Mike Daisey concerning inhumane conditions for employees at your production facilities in China.

iPhone: No, but I will. (pause for applause) Before my creator recently found the cure for life and died, he ruled the technological world with black turtle necks and keynote addresses. Foxconn was a stepping stone in that direction. We can't help it if the Chinese work ethic is so amazing that they literally work themselves to death on an assembly line. That's one monstrous work ethic, and we honor them for that here in Cupertino, California. That's why we've helped commission the building of The Great Lego Wall of China in honor of the extraordinary people that make up that beautiful country.
(Hysterical applause and a standing ovation ensues for two whole hours)

BlackBerry: Mr. Android, Why are you so complicated? Can't you be simple like the iPhone and have just one button?

Android: Just one button? Just one button? Are you kidding me? If things progress at this rate, by 2020 the entire Apple Home Computer will basically be a clean white bowling ball. No keyboard, no screen, no mouse, but it will do everything in the world by reading your mind. How boring is that?
I'm not complicated, I'm practical. What kid goes through life saying, "I wish I only had one button to push?" We love buttons. Who doesn't walk into an elevator and enjoy pushing that button. We'd get crack-a-lackin' on that thing and light it up like a Christmas tree if our Mamma's would let us. I'm not complicated, I just want to have fun. "Android's mantra: For the multi-button pusher in all of us."
All the Pros:
1. The widgets...Shooey, those widgets are customizable: weather, news, RSS feeds, airport cancellations, instantly. No waiting for apps to load. It's a widget, Homeboy..
2. Availability is my biggest selling point: I'm available on every major carrier contract or no contract, and offer myself on almost all premium phones. So there are a plethora of choices to help you fit your needs.
3. Affordable. I'm here to give you the affordable options the iPhone can't give.
4. Portability. My screen can be large or small. My camera has more power than the iPhone. I have built in HDMI ports that will plug directly into your TV to view HD video. Unlike the iPhone my data storage is expandable and swappable with microSD cards.
5. Faster than iPhone: I can offer you 4G data speeds which the iPhone cannot do yet.
6. And I'm Google. All the epic-ness of google in one handheld device, with Google as my backbone I put everyone to shame. Does the name Google Earth mean anything to you? Let's hear it for Google Universe! Boo yah! And not to brag, but I have the coolest OS names, like Cupcake 1.5, Gingerbread 2.3, Honeycomb 3.x, and Ice Cream Sandwich 4.x. What does Apple have? iOS 4... barf.

BlackBerry: Mr. iPhone, why should people buy you instead of one of your competitors?

iPhone: Mr. Black, I'm pretty much the coolest portable gadget ever made. I am everything perfect that is in the world. I'm a history maker and a world shaker. I'm leading the way and will always be in the lead.
All the Pros:
1. I'm gorgeous, and sleek: My goal in life is to blend technology and art on an easy to use platform. Beautiful art is expensive and saving time is going to cost money, but with me you can have both. I will make your life easier, pure and simple. 
2. Available on the best and most reliable network: Verizon.
3. I'm lightweight: 4.9 ounces (140 paperclips)
4. Compatible: I'm an ipod, a computer, a remote control, a GPS, a gaming device, a camera, a piece of art, an electric razor, mouse trap, a taser, deodorant, hand grenade, etc.
5. Fun: You can get every game ever made on me and talk to your friends like you were in Back to the Future.
6. Reliable: Won't crash, hardly breaks, and won't give you brain cancer  
I'm the Superman of phones. Good luck telling Superman he isn't as awesome as Batman or Aqua-man. Being rescued by those guys is like being eaten by a loser sandwich, and by loser, I mean really cool guys who are unique. 

BlackBerry: Mr. Windows, you were late to get on the band wagon with the smartphone. How can you reassure the public that you won't fall into the trap of having an inferior operating system again something like the debacle of Windows Vista?

Windows: Uh... Okay. Windows Vista to me is just like a story I know called "The Puppy Who Lost His Way." The world was changing, and the puppy was getting... bigger...
(...long story...)
...So, you see, the puppy was like Vista. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy - "society" - knew where to find 'em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But Vista, my friends, that was a Revolution.
Silicon Valley Highschool Football Rules!
(Uproarious applause echos through the chamber like a burp through Carlsbad Caverns. It goes on for several minutes.)

BlackBerry: Mr. Windows, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
(Whispers and snickers ripple through the crowd like gossip through a hair salon)

BlackBerry: Okay, umm...Contenders, that ends our debate. Thank you so very much. And thanks to all of you our readers.

If this satisfies your curiosity then I'm glad I could help.
If you are interested in more extensive research here are some more links:
This is a impressive comparison of each aspect of both phones
Here's a very thorough evaluation of someone who switched from Android to iPhone
Click this if you are wondering what network to go with for your iPhone
If you are seriously interested in a Windows Phone, here you go