iPhone vs. Android

 Moderated by BlackBerry

BlackBerry: Good evening from the Heart of Silicon Valley - John Q. Public's sweaty right front pocket - I'm BlackBerry. As we speak thousands of people are tumbling around a cell phone store like tennis shoes in a dryer. Which Smartphone should they buy?
To my right is the elaborate but irritable Google based Android phone.
In the middle is the sleek but smug Apple based iPhone
And to my left is the whimsical but incorrigible Microsoft based Windows phone.
There are only two ground rules: You must activate airplane mode and turn off autocorrect. We wouldn't want "portable" to come out "prostate" or vice versa.
Let's begin. Is everyone ready?

Android: Affirmative.

iPhone: Yes, Sir.

Windows: Yertle, the Tertle.

BlackBerry: What?

Windows: I mean, yes.

BlackBerry: Mr. iPhone, would you like to respond to accusations from Mike Daisey concerning inhumane conditions for employees at your production facilities in China.

iPhone: No, but I will. (pause for applause) Before my creator recently found the cure for life and died, he ruled the technological world with black turtle necks and keynote addresses. Foxconn was a stepping stone in that direction. We can't help it if the Chinese work ethic is so amazing that they literally work themselves to death on an assembly line. That's one monstrous work ethic, and we honor them for that here in Cupertino, California. That's why we've helped commission the building of The Great Lego Wall of China in honor of the extraordinary people that make up that beautiful country.
(Hysterical applause and a standing ovation ensues for two whole hours)

BlackBerry: Mr. Android, Why are you so complicated? Can't you be simple like the iPhone and have just one button?

Android: Just one button? Just one button? Are you kidding me? If things progress at this rate, by 2020 the entire Apple Home Computer will basically be a clean white bowling ball. No keyboard, no screen, no mouse, but it will do everything in the world by reading your mind. How boring is that?
I'm not complicated, I'm practical. What kid goes through life saying, "I wish I only had one button to push?" We love buttons. Who doesn't walk into an elevator and enjoy pushing that button. We'd get crack-a-lackin' on that thing and light it up like a Christmas tree if our Mamma's would let us. I'm not complicated, I just want to have fun. "Android's mantra: For the multi-button pusher in all of us."
All the Pros:
1. The widgets...Shooey, those widgets are customizable: weather, news, RSS feeds, airport cancellations, instantly. No waiting for apps to load. It's a widget, Homeboy..
2. Availability is my biggest selling point: I'm available on every major carrier contract or no contract, and offer myself on almost all premium phones. So there are a plethora of choices to help you fit your needs.
3. Affordable. I'm here to give you the affordable options the iPhone can't give.
4. Portability. My screen can be large or small. My camera has more power than the iPhone. I have built in HDMI ports that will plug directly into your TV to view HD video. Unlike the iPhone my data storage is expandable and swappable with microSD cards.
5. Faster than iPhone: I can offer you 4G data speeds which the iPhone cannot do yet.
6. And I'm Google. All the epic-ness of google in one handheld device, with Google as my backbone I put everyone to shame. Does the name Google Earth mean anything to you? Let's hear it for Google Universe! Boo yah! And not to brag, but I have the coolest OS names, like Cupcake 1.5, Gingerbread 2.3, Honeycomb 3.x, and Ice Cream Sandwich 4.x. What does Apple have? iOS 4... barf.

BlackBerry: Mr. iPhone, why should people buy you instead of one of your competitors?

iPhone: Mr. Black, I'm pretty much the coolest portable gadget ever made. I am everything perfect that is in the world. I'm a history maker and a world shaker. I'm leading the way and will always be in the lead.
All the Pros:
1. I'm gorgeous, and sleek: My goal in life is to blend technology and art on an easy to use platform. Beautiful art is expensive and saving time is going to cost money, but with me you can have both. I will make your life easier, pure and simple. 
2. Available on the best and most reliable network: Verizon.
3. I'm lightweight: 4.9 ounces (140 paperclips)
4. Compatible: I'm an ipod, a computer, a remote control, a GPS, a gaming device, a camera, a piece of art, an electric razor, mouse trap, a taser, deodorant, hand grenade, etc.
5. Fun: You can get every game ever made on me and talk to your friends like you were in Back to the Future.
6. Reliable: Won't crash, hardly breaks, and won't give you brain cancer  
I'm the Superman of phones. Good luck telling Superman he isn't as awesome as Batman or Aqua-man. Being rescued by those guys is like being eaten by a loser sandwich, and by loser, I mean really cool guys who are unique. 

BlackBerry: Mr. Windows, you were late to get on the band wagon with the smartphone. How can you reassure the public that you won't fall into the trap of having an inferior operating system again something like the debacle of Windows Vista?

Windows: Uh... Okay. Windows Vista to me is just like a story I know called "The Puppy Who Lost His Way." The world was changing, and the puppy was getting... bigger...
(...long story...)
...So, you see, the puppy was like Vista. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy - "society" - knew where to find 'em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But Vista, my friends, that was a Revolution.
(Silence)
Silicon Valley Highschool Football Rules!
(Uproarious applause echos through the chamber like a burp through Carlsbad Caverns. It goes on for several minutes.)

BlackBerry: Mr. Windows, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
(Whispers and snickers ripple through the crowd like gossip through a hair salon)

BlackBerry: Okay, umm...Contenders, that ends our debate. Thank you so very much. And thanks to all of you our readers.
_____________________

If this satisfies your curiosity then I'm glad I could help.
If you are interested in more extensive research here are some more links:
http://www.pcworld.com/article/218104/head_to_head_iphone_vs_android.html
This is a impressive comparison of each aspect of both phones
Here's a very thorough evaluation of someone who switched from Android to iPhone
Click this if you are wondering what network to go with for your iPhone
If you are seriously interested in a Windows Phone, here you go

Genesis of a Nerd

The cold, wet air seeped through the thin windows of the station wagon. Yes, station wagon. The J.D. Power Prize for the most ridiculously uncool car goes to the Oldsmobile station wagon. Practical, yes. Off the chain, no. I sat in the back seat peeking out at the busy people whizzing by in their wicked cool cars as my Dad pumped gas into a never ending pit of dirty shame. Like a shirtless fat guy, the car sat guzzling the fuel it needed to be persistently lame for the entire trip home. It would be another hour before we got home, and all that my sister and I had to keep us busy was some paper and some crayons. Deep in my own thoughts, I just watch the world go by as we traveled.
I glanced away from the hustle and bustle for a moment to see if anyone at the gas station noticed my predicament and when I glanced back something startled me. After suffering a minor heart attack at the hands of mother, I saw her motion me to roll down my window.  I groggily responded by cranking the lever in a counter-clockwise motion. When it wouldn't budge, I went the other way and rolled my eyes, thinking of inventing power windows. The window pane inched downward, until she had enough room to speak her mind.
"I found something over the hill there you might be interested in," she said as she pointed behind her. "Here you go." She handed me a small package with a picture of Superman on it. My status changed instantly from bored to thrilled.... and I became a NERD. Not a geek or a spaz or a dork, if anyone is interested, but a nerd. They run in similar circles but are very different. Think of it like Hobbits, Dwarfs, Elves and Orcs. Very different creatures but all from the same Middle Earth.  Nerds, Geeks, Spazs and Dorks have different qualities and personalities, but for the most part sit at the same table during lunch and give off the same pheromone to ball bustin' bullies. This revelation didn't hit me until further along in my nerd career, so I'll leave it there.
I grabbed the small shiny package and quickly bit at the edges fumbling wildly until...POW! A large shower of trading cards rained down on me at once, and small pink broken shards of bubble gum landed in my lap. Bubble gum. That nostalgic substance whose flavor lasts only a moment until all the corn sugar and aspartame is dissolved in one's own saliva, at which point it turns into a piece of plastic. I shoved the small pieces of gum in my mouth faster than a speeding bullet and then gathered the cards in an orderly fashion taking in every color, action, and character into my now fully transformed being. My dad pumped the gas into the car while my mom pumped liquid pleasure into my thirsty boy-soul. I chewed that pink bubble gum and looked at those cards until bed time. The next thing I knew it was morning, I was late for school, and I had gum in my hair.
I had become a NERD. Not a cool nerd, by any stretch of the nerd imagination, but not a plain nerd either. I was smart as a whip at math, I could name every marvel superhero at the drop of pocket protector, I liked Tina Turner and Roger Miller, I had tape over my glasses, and I had more zits on my face than there were asteroid craters in the moon. I mean, The ladies were just dying to get wit dis. So as I squirmed through middle school and high school, I realized two things, I was smarter than Mike Doofushead, and I'm going to be a virgin for the rest of my life. Hollah. Little did I know the world was going to shift right under my feet. Hapgood's Theory of Earth's Crust Displacement happened one day while I was sleeping, and I didn't realize it until I started watching The Big Bang Theory on CBS. (Leonard, from Christmas Vacation fame, is a hoot and Sheldon Cooper, pegs my geek-dar somewhere around C++ and polymorphisms.)
It is the Age of the Nerd. Nerds have emerged (present perfect tense) with a coolness factor that can only rival the Renaissance Masters from the Age of Enlightenment. Steve Jobs is the new Michelangelo, Bill Gates is the new Da Vinci, Smart phones are the new Sistine Chapel, and Spiderman is the new David. "Heresy!" you scream from your smartphones or Facebook statusi. You just watch, 600 years from now, people will be talking about Stan Lee like we talk about Socrates.
During the Renaissance the world was run by Artists, During the Middle Ages it was the Church, and during the Galactic Republic it was run by the Trade Federation. Now we have a new authority. World Power has been granted to the Geek and the Nerd because the world is run by computers and Nerds and Geeks run computers.  I used to be disconcerted about the giant books I carried, now I'm respected. I used to be sheepish about my acne, now I wear is it as battle scars. I used to be ashamed of picking my nose, now it's cool. Oh...It's not? Nevermind. Strike that last statement from the record.
So what happened to the thugs that once ruled our universe, the John McClane's and Dirty Harry's? Some of them probably died trying to climb out of the top of moving elevators or by bleeding out after accidentally shooting themselves in the foot with a Smith & Wesson revolver. But most of them probably retired or are retiring. All said and done, they served their purpose. They helped make the geeks and the nerds what they are today, vengeful and horny, among other things.
Remember that station wagon? It stalked me like a vulgar cold sore, rearing its ugly hood now and again until it was eventually given to me as my transportation to and from college. If only I knew then what I know now, I would have wallowed in the dorkiness of it all.
The Polar Bear says, "Never make fun of geeks or nerds. One day they will decide whether to hire you or not."

Take the Geek test here. It's arduous, but scores are very accurate. 
I'm 32.28782% Geek - That's considered Total Geek on a scale of 1-100

My totally freaking cool nerdy family pictured below next to our Chuck Norris station wagon. Boom!