Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Polar Bear's Rules for Movie Goers

1. Go online and find out if there is a "Secret Scene"
Once in a while, theater goers who dwell in their positions during the epic credit roll will be rewarded with a "Secret Scene". It's quite thrilling, like seeing a narwhal off the coast of Greenland. It can tie a movie together or blow your mind with a cliff-hanging promise of a sequel. This doesn't happen all the time, not even most of the time or some of the time, actually...hardly ever, but that one time you do get the chance you want to be there. You don't want to find out from Howard Johnson over in retail that you missed seeing the narwhal. The realization that you missed part of the movie will haunt you and you will never be satisfied. Movie ruined.

2. Get there early.
The early bird catches the proverbial worm and lands the best possible viewing angle, audio vortex, and power position. Every theater and or living room has a sweet spot. Find it. Put a stake in it. Claim your reward. Getting there late means you get to sit in the bottom left side of the auditorium, two feet from the fire exit, craning your neck, getting your ears drums blown to shreds, next to the guy who is constantly wiggling and throwing popcorn because he is 2-years-old. Movie Ruined.

3. Don't get popcorn.
It's tempting because it's so full of salty, buttery goodness, and it seems to fit so well with movie culture. Let's face it, you'll be finished with it by the time the previews are half over, and somewhere during the first scene you'll realize you have that infernal kernel that's stuck between the right incisor and your outer gum agitating you during the entire movie. You'll be finding it for an hour with your tongue, then letting your tongue lead your finger like the blind leading the blind until you start to taste blood. Movie Ruined.

4. Go to the bathroom before the opening scene.
It doesn't matter if you have to go or not, just do it. This might mean missing a couple previews, but that's okay. You can go home and watch them on YouTube because some 8-bit, pizza roll eatin', blog jammer posted it yesterday. Don't get stuck some where in the middle of the movie trying to figure out which is the least important 45.8 second section of the film. Make that, 57.9 seconds if it's number two. When you sit back down every one is sobbing and you realize it was the most important 57.9 seconds thus far in the entire. Movie Ruined.

5. Don't fast forward or turn away during the love scenes.
Key contextual elements might be missing from the end of the movie. You'll be asking yourself "Why is it so significant that everything in the movie is black and white except for that orange umbrella in the final scene." It's because you missed the sex scene. It's like your standing at a locked door and you don't have the key. The key is back in that love scene you wouldn't watch. Movie ruined!

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