The Walking Dead: A Polar Bear's Review

When I was little, I was scared of two things: 1) waking up past 6:30 am on Saturday mornings, because that meant my sister was eating the last of the Pac-Man cereal and watching Care Bears shoot rainbows from their bellies through the Land Without Feelings, and 2) zombies, for obvious reasons. As a result of the latter unfounded anxiety, I've never been a fan of zombie fanfare... until I watched the first episode of The Walking Dead.

Over the years I've actually grown fond of waking up past 6:30 a.m. on Saturdays, and recently, I've become a fan of zombies, but I call them "walkers" effectively making them less like zombies and more like a collective infestation of racoons. Walkers mozy around downtown Atlanta not because of some voodoo magic poured out of a salt shaker in some backwoods bayou but as a result of some unexplained virus called TS-19, whose properties are explained in detail in The Walking Dead Season One Finale.

Walkers are stupid. They can't climb stairs, open a door, or run, but they will stop at nothing to feed, whether that means keeping the deer population down, cleaning the roadkill off the middle of the highway or chomping on the face of someone's grandpa. Sounds gross, yes, but that's only half of 3/4 of a percent of what this show has to offer. It's so much more than a plague of dead people traversing the globe in search of sustenance.

The Walking Dead is a production of AMC which has been hitting a lot of shows out of the park as of lately, with Mad Men (15 Emmy wins), and Breaking Bad (4 Emmy wins). The Walking Dead is another such show, and it brings a largely different fan base to it's channel surfing knees every Sunday evening. It breaks the mold on an otherwise well-known horror genre, and zombie fans are watching closely. I'm watching closely for different reasons... because it's a freaking awesome television show! Excuse my French or Haitian/Creole.

If you take the character development of Lost, the drama of ER, the intensity of 24, and the writing of the Sopranos, and throw them all into a Zombie Apocalypse then you've just scratched the surface of The Walking Dead. Be warned, it's not a family show, with all the intense language, nor is it a dinner time show, with all the eating people alive craziness, but it is entertaining.

Each episode confronts real issues we all face and then adds the elements of no electricity, no government, and no hope of rest from a constant onslaught of dead people. However, the constant onslaught isn't as constant as zombie fans prefer. It subsides now and then, just long enough for the plot to keep moving and some drama to work it's way through the many characters. It then continues for a few minutes only to tease another plot twist and keep viewers on the edge of their seat.
To be honest, The Walking Dead isn't horrifying, it's suspenseful and you don't have to like zombies to get sucked into it. But you do have to like good television.

Believe or not, other than good television and "a 'safe' and offbeat excuse for guys to horde guns, ammunition, tactical gear and other survival supplies without being tagged as being a member of a militia or other extremist group"* zombie apocalypses make for good CDC publicity. Yep, that's right folks, take it to the craps table and double down on the eights: the CDC actually has an official page on Zombie Preparedness. They claim "If you are generally well equipped to deal with a zombie apocalypse you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake, or terrorist attack." There you have it. In the interest of disaster preparedness, you can't ignore AMC's The Walking Dead. Your very survival depends on it.


*Urban Dictionary: Definition 3 of Zombies

The Teacher Becomes The Shepherd

The cacophonous bell breaks an eerie silence as it's clang enters the ears of every student at Leonard Nimoy High School. A raucous shuffle ensues as teachers yell final assignments over deaf ears and the hall fills with commotion. One teacher stands at his door and takes in the sights and sounds as oxygen. He breaths, looking forward to the next onslaught of eager minds ready to take him for all his worth. This won't happen for another 2 hours, so he quietly bows out of the doorway and walks to his humble desk like a proud warrior walks to his steed. The slamming lockers and vocal buzz softly fills his empty room through the open door. The chair creaks as he sits and the intercom buzzes over head.
"Mr. Thorne?" came the voice from overhead.
"Yes?" head tilted, eyes down, ears up.
"Mr. Stricthouser would like to see you."
"When?"
"Right now."
"Okay, I'll be right down." Mr. Thorn closes a few books, opens a calendar, writes some notes, shuffles some papers and sticks a pen in his breast pocket. He pushes himself off the desk and proceeds to the Principal's office. The still busy halls receive him with smiles and greetings from students. On his way he nods and smiles expecting the best from everyone he encounters. Respect is an afterthought. He strives to challenge.
In the stairwell, he wonders and his knees buckle slightly as he ponders, a "What if" scenario. He catches himself, mentally and physically and continues the journey through the administration office past a couple dejected students sitting in some chairs outside Mr. Stricthouser's office.
"Chin up, Thomas. It's a learning process, just take this like a man, and walk out of this place better for it."
"Yes Sir, Mr. Thorne."
"And Ralph, you've got to start acting like the guy I know you are. Learn some self control and you can soar."
"Yes Sir, Mr. Thorne." He looks at Tommy and snickers.
Mr. Thorne smiles and knocks on the cracked glass pane.
"Come in," came the inevitable answer and he opens the door and shuts it behind him.

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Lunch Lady Land now has a new Supervisor, Mr. Thorne. He won't be roaming the vibrant halls upstairs anymore between classes. No more savoring that fresh paper aroma on the first day of class. Hygenically challenged freshmen will have to find another teacher to ask for a spritz of Right Guard before taking on the day. The kitchen receives him like boiling water receives uncooked spaghetti.
Steam thickens the air in his new white sterilized amphitheater of food. He holds his chin up as Mr. Thorne ties on a new apron and embraces his new humiliating position in the ranks of public education. The "What if" scenario he entertained walking down those stairs 8 months ago pans out. He tries to think of his other options again, then thanks God for his new job. He would make this his briar patch and meatballs and marinara would be his specialty.
Oregano and Garlic search wanting noses on this Monday morning, the first day of school. Lunch time looms like sweetness in the air, and the Pavlovian lunch bell cues the drool at the corner of every yapping jaw. The first watering mouth enters the serene kitchen holding a tray with both hands.
"Mr. Thorne!" the sophomore yells in surprise.
"Andrew!" mimics Mr. Thorne.
"What are you doing here?"
Mr. Thorne practiced countless answers to this question for weeks before setting foot on school grounds.
"Making you a feast!" he hadn't practiced that one. There is an excitement in his voice he didn't realize was going to be there. The young minds he longs to challenge walk with hungry stomachs and he is eager to feed these wandering sheep. The flock crowds around the banqueting table and Mr. Thorne beams as he feeds their stomachs and nurtures their starving souls.
Marinara Monday turns into Turmeric Tuesday and everyone looks to Mr. Thorne for life in an otherwise dangerous pasture of loneliness and constant threat. He gives up teaching 100 and becomes the Shepherd to thousands.
Students expose their deepest secrets, teachers share their biggest struggles, and administrators find strength for the hardest challenges in his cozy kitchen.
One step closer to his destiny, he holds a wooden spoon as a metaphorical shepherd's staff and earns
earns a valuable apple of gold that year to share with his son 10 years later.

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"Son, Don't fear failure, it's only a stepping stone to your final destiny. That 'What if...?' in the back of your head will only get bigger if you entertain it. Smack it now, while it's still small enough to hit with a fly swatter."

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**Not the usual blog from the Polar Bear, I know, just something I've been thinking about for a few days.

A Modern Day Villain

We're saved. Sabu, also known as Hector, has helped the "good guys" nab the "evil doers" who are Anonymous. Anonymous is a large group of hackers that fight the power by crashing mainframes and exposing secrets of the: government agencies, big banks, Wall Street fat cats, and high profile religious organizations, among others. They are Robin Hood meets Fight Club meets Occupy meets Neo. The FBI has done us all a big favor. All noobs can rest easy. Surf the vast expanse that is the Internet with less trepidation. Press any button you want on your computer. Download what you want when you want from where ever you want. Open unsafe email attachments, Click on pop-up ads, and lick the bottom of your curbside trashcan.
Hold it. Don't do any of that.

FYI the Internet is not any safer now than it was 48 hours ago, and I'm about to tell you why.
1.) They only caught a handful of hackers. As it says on their website, Anonymous is "Legion, and we are many." Your neighbor's son could be Anonymous. Otto the bus driver, Jill the typing tutor, Joe the plumber. They are everywhere like V for Vendetta. A dirty dorm room with Ramen Noodles dripping from a half open cabinet on the edge of a desk glowing from the computer screen of a hunched over twit wearing a 4chan t-shirt can be the essence of Anonymous.
And...
2.) Anonymous isn't after you unless you make more than $500,000 a year, take vacations to the Moon, or eat prawns for lunch at some Bel-Air buffet. Anyone eating prawns? No? Then... "Safe!" said the umpire. Big Brother doesn't like them. While trying to nab these modern day Robin Hoods the government is ignoring the nastiest computer villain of them all: Conficker. It's a superworm, and it's like nothing you've ever imagined.

But I will try to help you imagine it.

Close your eyes, WAIT NO! Keep reading, I mean.
Imagine if someone mailed you a letter, and on that letter was a little germ or virus. You catch the virus but nothing happens. You function in your life as normal, and that virus paves a nice little path to your cerebral cortex then sends out a signal to some mad scientist in Romania, And tells him that you are infected. You continue to function in your everyday life. Meanwhile, a similar letter is being sent to 10's of millions of others and they are being infected with the same virus. Everybody goes to sleep on a certain night and the mad scientist who created this virus decides that this is the night. He flips a switch in his dungeon science lab and laughs a maniacal laugh as he suddenly has control of you and millions of others. Using a microphone mounted to his laminated countertop, he can tell you to do anything and you have no choice but to do it because this virus has control of your brain - everyone's brain. So he tells them go run amok through Gotham City, burning giant piles of tires and eating candy corns. Then after everyone runs amok through Gotham City, burning giant piles of tires and eating candy corns, he flips the switch off and everyone goes back to their beds. They wake up the next morning with a stomach ache and the smell of burning rubber all around them, but everything else is normal. Now imagine that same thing happening with your computer and it all starts with an email you opened or a pop-ad you clicked on. That little virus or worm is called Conficker.

"What Conficker does is penetrate the core of the [operating system] of the computer and essentially turn over control of your computer to a remote controller...[That person] could then utilize all of these computers, including yours, that are connected. ... And you have effectively the largest, most powerful computer in the world," says Mark Bowden, author of Worm: The First Digital War. We're talking 10's of millions of computers all working together as a Galactus botnet to suck the technological world dry with it's giant self.

Worst case scenario it could crash the internet. So what? You won't be able to check your Facebook or buy doohickeys from eBay. Right? Well, unfortunately, we have decided to use the internet for everything, and by "everything," I mean, most things, and by "most things" I mean, only the important things, and by "important things," I mean technology. Air Traffic Control, medical communications, power grids, the Stock Market. Conficker could take it all down like a fire sale.

Don't worry though, there is a Superhero to this Super-villain. I recently heard an interview on NPR about a small group of computer genius's funded completely by Twinkies and Hot Pockets who are taking on this ominous Conficker worm. They are...wait for it...the Conficker Working Group (umm...okay...I guess the superhero name generator was broken that day.) Despite the yuppie name, these guys are actually making some headway. They think it started by some restless Ukrainians in South America, but they are struggling to get ahead of it. Check out Terry Gross's interview with Mark Bowden to hear a fascinating discussion of the implications of such an endeavor. Then come back.

So now that you have unsuccessfully prevented yourself from peeing in your pants for fear of being victim of such a worm, you can rest assured. I will tell you some symptoms of such an invasion and provide a link for a computer test to see whether your computer is affected. Here's a list of possible symptoms:

• Account lockout policies being reset automatically. Translation: The password thingy is being weird.
• Domain controllers respond slowly to client requests. Translation: Picture's of crocheted oven mitts take 1 hour to load.
• System network gets unusually congested. This can be checked with network traffic chart on Windows Task Manager. Translation: Blah blah blah blah...can be checked with...blah blah blah...Manager.
• High-port TCP and UDP P2P Activity Translation: A geek had a stroke.
• Click here for more symptoms or here for a test to see whether your computer is infected.

If your computer is infected take it to a professional or set a video camera to record its antics 24/7 and see if you can film it rummaging through your fridge or smoking marijuana in the basement while you are sleeping. If that doesn't sound fun throw your computer off the back porch and go medieval on it, like the printer scene from Office Space. You'll have to get a new one, but hey, wasn't that fun.

If your computer is not infected consider yourself spared... this time, Mwuahahaha

Back in prehistoric days, before the alphabet and the first one and zero, cavemen worried about getting hit on the back of the head with clubs from fellow cavemen, trying to take their hot and hairy cavewomen, their stone wheels, their waterfront cave. We still fear caveman clubs and some of us fear hot and hairy cavewomen, but we still need to protect ourselves. One of the simplest things you can do is just log out of your computers and reboot them once a day, and for Pete's sake keep reading this blog. Next time your girlfriend asks you if you have protection say, "Of course, I read The Polar Bear Periodical."
The Polar Bear says, "Spread the word, stay protected and happy surfing everyone!"

PB

Credits:
Tech Editor - Dr. David Lauro
Language Editor - Dr. John Hines

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A Polar Bear Reviews Acts of Valor

Nothing could have been timed more perfectly. You're 2nd child, the game winning goal between U.S. and Spain, A comedians punchline, all have good timing, but none of them are going to net you 12 million dollars in one week. Acts of Valor started as a Navy Seal recruitment video for the Armed Forces and ended up as a motion picture alongside Tyler Perry's Good Deeds and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengence. It's number one in the box office and promises to reveal for the first time on film active duty Navy S.E.A.L.S. during combat training.   Real Navy S.E.A.L.S. do not make good actors, however, they do make for good marketing.  Thank you Osama Bin Ladin for making Navy S.E.A.L.S. the baddest Mama Jamas since the RAF of World War II. SEAL team six did for the Armed Forces what the knife did for sliced bread.
Do you realize what this film has done? It has helped propel a new genre of movies into the mainstream. Reality filmmaking is what it is being called. Controlled drama. Real .50 caliber bullets, actual Navy Seals, real world situations, it's a guaranteed success. Who wouldn't watch that?
I saw the movie opening weekend. After the movie ended the theatre was in utter silence for 2 or 3 minutes before anyone dared to move. The theater filled with awe. It was like Mount Rushmore, The Great Pyramids of Egypt, Stonehenge, The Great Wall of China and the Moon all suddenly decided to sing the Star Spangled Banner with Jesus himself and then enjoy a glimpse of the Aurora Borealis before surfing off the coast of Australia. This movie didn't just entertain, it inspired. It challenged the status quo and made the viewer realize what it meant to be free. It made us recognize the real cost of what it takes to be able to make a choice to go to a theatre and see a movie that we want to see. It doesn't just cost 10 dollars and whatever you pay your baby sitter. Someone died for you to be able to watch this movie. Someone with a family and kids, sacrificed his position as a father and a husband to give you the opportunity to choose between Tom Clancy or Dr. Suess. He knew you were never going to think about him when making that choice but he didn't care. He wanted you to have that choice.
Acts of Valor props itself above the white noise inundating action films these days.
Saving the world had almost become cliched until Acts of Valor made it heroic again.
Thank you to all the men and women who have sacrificed to make this country what it is today.
Go see Acts of Valor. Take your kids to see Acts of Valor. Be grateful for Acts of Valor.

iPhone vs. Android

 Moderated by BlackBerry

BlackBerry: Good evening from the Heart of Silicon Valley - John Q. Public's sweaty right front pocket - I'm BlackBerry. As we speak thousands of people are tumbling around a cell phone store like tennis shoes in a dryer. Which Smartphone should they buy?
To my right is the elaborate but irritable Google based Android phone.
In the middle is the sleek but smug Apple based iPhone
And to my left is the whimsical but incorrigible Microsoft based Windows phone.
There are only two ground rules: You must activate airplane mode and turn off autocorrect. We wouldn't want "portable" to come out "prostate" or vice versa.
Let's begin. Is everyone ready?

Android: Affirmative.

iPhone: Yes, Sir.

Windows: Yertle, the Tertle.

BlackBerry: What?

Windows: I mean, yes.

BlackBerry: Mr. iPhone, would you like to respond to accusations from Mike Daisey concerning inhumane conditions for employees at your production facilities in China.

iPhone: No, but I will. (pause for applause) Before my creator recently found the cure for life and died, he ruled the technological world with black turtle necks and keynote addresses. Foxconn was a stepping stone in that direction. We can't help it if the Chinese work ethic is so amazing that they literally work themselves to death on an assembly line. That's one monstrous work ethic, and we honor them for that here in Cupertino, California. That's why we've helped commission the building of The Great Lego Wall of China in honor of the extraordinary people that make up that beautiful country.
(Hysterical applause and a standing ovation ensues for two whole hours)

BlackBerry: Mr. Android, Why are you so complicated? Can't you be simple like the iPhone and have just one button?

Android: Just one button? Just one button? Are you kidding me? If things progress at this rate, by 2020 the entire Apple Home Computer will basically be a clean white bowling ball. No keyboard, no screen, no mouse, but it will do everything in the world by reading your mind. How boring is that?
I'm not complicated, I'm practical. What kid goes through life saying, "I wish I only had one button to push?" We love buttons. Who doesn't walk into an elevator and enjoy pushing that button. We'd get crack-a-lackin' on that thing and light it up like a Christmas tree if our Mamma's would let us. I'm not complicated, I just want to have fun. "Android's mantra: For the multi-button pusher in all of us."
All the Pros:
1. The widgets...Shooey, those widgets are customizable: weather, news, RSS feeds, airport cancellations, instantly. No waiting for apps to load. It's a widget, Homeboy..
2. Availability is my biggest selling point: I'm available on every major carrier contract or no contract, and offer myself on almost all premium phones. So there are a plethora of choices to help you fit your needs.
3. Affordable. I'm here to give you the affordable options the iPhone can't give.
4. Portability. My screen can be large or small. My camera has more power than the iPhone. I have built in HDMI ports that will plug directly into your TV to view HD video. Unlike the iPhone my data storage is expandable and swappable with microSD cards.
5. Faster than iPhone: I can offer you 4G data speeds which the iPhone cannot do yet.
6. And I'm Google. All the epic-ness of google in one handheld device, with Google as my backbone I put everyone to shame. Does the name Google Earth mean anything to you? Let's hear it for Google Universe! Boo yah! And not to brag, but I have the coolest OS names, like Cupcake 1.5, Gingerbread 2.3, Honeycomb 3.x, and Ice Cream Sandwich 4.x. What does Apple have? iOS 4... barf.

BlackBerry: Mr. iPhone, why should people buy you instead of one of your competitors?

iPhone: Mr. Black, I'm pretty much the coolest portable gadget ever made. I am everything perfect that is in the world. I'm a history maker and a world shaker. I'm leading the way and will always be in the lead.
All the Pros:
1. I'm gorgeous, and sleek: My goal in life is to blend technology and art on an easy to use platform. Beautiful art is expensive and saving time is going to cost money, but with me you can have both. I will make your life easier, pure and simple. 
2. Available on the best and most reliable network: Verizon.
3. I'm lightweight: 4.9 ounces (140 paperclips)
4. Compatible: I'm an ipod, a computer, a remote control, a GPS, a gaming device, a camera, a piece of art, an electric razor, mouse trap, a taser, deodorant, hand grenade, etc.
5. Fun: You can get every game ever made on me and talk to your friends like you were in Back to the Future.
6. Reliable: Won't crash, hardly breaks, and won't give you brain cancer  
I'm the Superman of phones. Good luck telling Superman he isn't as awesome as Batman or Aqua-man. Being rescued by those guys is like being eaten by a loser sandwich, and by loser, I mean really cool guys who are unique. 

BlackBerry: Mr. Windows, you were late to get on the band wagon with the smartphone. How can you reassure the public that you won't fall into the trap of having an inferior operating system again something like the debacle of Windows Vista?

Windows: Uh... Okay. Windows Vista to me is just like a story I know called "The Puppy Who Lost His Way." The world was changing, and the puppy was getting... bigger...
(...long story...)
...So, you see, the puppy was like Vista. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy - "society" - knew where to find 'em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But Vista, my friends, that was a Revolution.
(Silence)
Silicon Valley Highschool Football Rules!
(Uproarious applause echos through the chamber like a burp through Carlsbad Caverns. It goes on for several minutes.)

BlackBerry: Mr. Windows, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
(Whispers and snickers ripple through the crowd like gossip through a hair salon)

BlackBerry: Okay, umm...Contenders, that ends our debate. Thank you so very much. And thanks to all of you our readers.
_____________________

If this satisfies your curiosity then I'm glad I could help.
If you are interested in more extensive research here are some more links:
http://www.pcworld.com/article/218104/head_to_head_iphone_vs_android.html
This is a impressive comparison of each aspect of both phones
Here's a very thorough evaluation of someone who switched from Android to iPhone
Click this if you are wondering what network to go with for your iPhone
If you are seriously interested in a Windows Phone, here you go

A Geek's Valentine

If you are a geek and have a date on this Valentine's Day, you might think your woman loves you because of the sweet nothings you whisper in Elvish to her as you hold her hand walking through the Star Trek convention. It is not. Nor is it the sexy Batman underwear you've been wearing for decades over that flabby, geek physique. Could it be the annuls of facts about conceivable time travel that make her swoon? Sorry, but no. That stuff turns you on, but her feminine receptors respond to something a bit different.
"So what is it that makes my woman love me?" you may be asking your highly evolved self. It's your total ignorance to your own hotness that makes her loins shudder with desire.
Yes it's true. She thinks your hot. By "hotness" I mean a certain charisma, confidence, or sensitivity that supersedes geekiness. Here are some situations that might exemplify this phenomenon of hotness: 1) You are good with children and the mentally retarded. 2) You get choked up watching a movie, TV show or a cotton commercial. 3) You own a dog or cat or sea monkey, it doesn't matter, just something that proves something else can depend on you. 4) You know or can write a line of poetry.
However, on a more practical note there are certain superficial situations that can diminish this "hotness" factor: 1) Not using dandruff shampoo before donning your black shirt for the rave. 2) Breath that smells like a turd. You must always budget for Doublemint, and don't forget to floss. 3) Outer ear hair. 4) Bragging about your success hacking into the Hasbro mainframe or your alphabetized catalog of Lord of the Rings paraphernalia.
If she considers your geekiness cute, you are in and you are loved. Congratulations!
But, if you are sitting in your lonely apartment surrounded by action figures encased in their original packaging, reading this blog and wondering why you could not get a date this past Valentine's Day, consider investing in some charisma, confidence, and sensitivity. Stop giving women subscriptions to 2600 or texting l337 speak to their cell phones. Go buy a dog, a book of poetry, and the Curious George Box Set. Then prepare for the ladies to come running.

Blog P.S.
Poem for my Valentine
Wonder and amazement take my heart on a rapid but significant journey as I take in the vision of her beauty. I'd not seen it before, not like this. My thoughts stutter at the scent of her. How'd I get so lucky? The 21st century gladiators parade in the arena and the media vultures circle overhead, and I considered my Love, gently preparing a place for my return. Pushing every hindrance aside, "Outta my way!" I want, no I need to be with her. Heroes swear allegiance to the beauty she emulates, yet she has taken an oath for me. Her hand would be rosy with the kisses of suitors if her path weren't right next to mine. Heaven has favored me in this life. She sought me, and I pursued her. The wonderful thing is that it keeps getting better like a treasure trove saving the best for last. So thank you God for my unbelievably smokin' hot wife.

Quick Read...About Motion Sensor Bathroom Lights

Okay, let's discuss motion sensor lights in the Commercial Bathroom. Sounds like a great idea, right? It's Eco-friendly, it's clean, saves money. But what about the guy in the stall that takes longer than 10 minutes to get his business done? It's lights out, and there's no turning it back on unless you get up, open the door and wave your hands wildly. But make sure you reach and wave in the right direction, or you could be standing there with your dirty bum hanging out, waving at nothing for an extended amount of time. Don't forget, your doing this in complete darkness. Such fun.
New rule: "Never spend more than 10 minutes in a bathroom stall unless you know the lights will stay on."